The Snippet Series! Of Epic Randomness!
by Buttonspaz
Summary: This is a place where the children of my insanity go, this is basically an archive of completely random situations and the most craziest of things. I hope you all enjoy the beginning of something great.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I own nothing**

**Now, this is the first of a little series I'm doing, just little bits of randomness that pops into my head at random moments. This...this is the child of my insanity. **

**Now for those of you who read my other story 'The Legendary Protector' I just want to say that it is continuing! That story is my pride and joy, my very first story on Fanfiction as a writer and it will NEVER be discontinued! No matter how long it takes me to finish it, it will never be completely stopped. Even though I'm at a bit of a block regarding the story, I'll power on and get it done.**

**On with the story!**

It was an average day in Konoha, the birds were chirping, the sun was shining, and the greatest tourist attraction, the Hokage Mountain was… currently being defiled by a prepubescent ninja with yellow hair and the stupidest fucking costume for a ninja ever?

Well isn't this just peachy! 'Greatest village EVAR!' What a hoax, I mean really, can't you see the two hobos taking rips of a line of cocaine in that alleyway over there?

Well focusing back on our protagonist, his name is N-

"NARUTO-FUCKING-UZUMAKI MOTHERFUCKER!"

Somehow that yellow dot on the Hokage Mountain was able to teleport his ninja ass, which we've never seen him do in cannon, right in front of the camera.

"That's right bitches! Naruto Uzumaki at your service! Believe it!" Ahhh, that damnable catch phrase of the Dubbed yellow haired menace.

Out of nowhere a priest wearing only a bath robe and a cross around his neck appeared, waving a plunger in his right hand, and a gun in the left. A crazed look in his eyes and slight amounts of foam forming at his mouth.

"What if we don't want to believe it? What then motherfucker?!"

He was taken aback; obviously no one's questioned the logic of his statement before.

"But I just told you to believe it! You have to believe it!"

"But I don't really believe it! And what the fuck am I believing anyway? What am I believing!?"

This one required some time, with only gibberish coming out of his mouth and rocking movements being seen.

"Um, well, you see…"

"Yessss?"

"Uhh, come closer"

The priest complied, leaning in further.

"Closer"

Again, moving closer, almost touching the boys shoulder with his chin, Naruto's face right next to his ear. The next words he spoke sent a cold shiver down the priests back.

"Believe this…bitch" Naruto whispered this before delivering a soul crushing, earth shattering blow to the priests testicular region, his entire pelvic area practically caving in from the force.

"Euurp!"

The priest was only allowed a tiny, high pitched squeak before he was sent flying through the air. Every man in the elemental regions suddenly cringed in ghostly pain as their balls climbed inside their body, realizing that one of their own had been harmed beyond measure.

The triumphant Naruto turned to the surrounding audience and gave each of them a death glare, brandishing his foot in a threatening manner and producing an evil smirk, before chuckling in a way eerily similar to a certain snake sannin.

"Ku ku ku, you motherfuckers wanna know why I say believe it huh? You wanna find out what you're believing? Come on! Find out! KUKUKUKU"

This was enough to send the audience, and those in a hundred meter radius fleeing from him, afraid of their own punishment if they questioned the main characters favorite catch phrase.

Naruto turned around and spotted the forth wall of a building, noticing that it seemed broken. Giving it a once over he carried on his merry way, humming a tune and every now and then whispering 'believe it'.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto my dear disciples...**

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A bullet

A missile

An unstoppable force

There was nothing that could get in his way, nothing that could separate him from what he most truly wanted at this present time.

There was truly no force in this world that could separate Naruto Uzumaki from his ramen, and his current target, Ichiraku Ramen.

This place was a haven, _his haven_, to separate him and his ramen was like asking for a death wish. A few more corners and he would be sitting in the store chugging down a nice bowl of Miso ramen... Just thinking about the tasty broth flowing down his throat sent a bit of drool down the side of his face.

One more turn! Just one more turn and he would be at the store! It was his time off from missions and nothing could spot the inevitable! People parted in the streets and allowed him a clear path straight to the store; they were long since warned of what happened to those in his way during his 'Ramen time'. The last guy that tried still isn't able to use his 'glory meat' properly. Nobody knows how he did it, nobody wants to know how he did it, but Naruto sent a warning at anyone who would even think of separating him from the wonderful broth!

This is where Konohamaru comes in. You know, mighty grandson of the Third Hokage! Pfff, what a riot! Little shit can't even walk without stepping on his own enlarged scarf!

This is where he comes into play... For when Naruto was about to turn the final corner, his heart pumping in his ear, his mouth leaking so much drool it would make a salivating dog proud... The grandson of the Third Hokage decided it would be a good idea to trip on his scarf and coincidently fall in front of Naruto's path. Naruto was already in tunnel vision; his sights had been set on the wonderful store of the gods! It was in sight as soon as he'd turned the corner! But out of nowhere... This little street rat decided it would be a good idea to trip him! TRIP HIM! DURING HIS RAMEN TIME NO LESS!

His eyes turned red as Konohamaru realized what he'd done, gulping and slowly crawling away, but he would be having none of that. Showing a grin that would make even the toughest of bastards shit themselves and go crying to their mummy, Naruto stalked forward and stepped on his scarf. The amount of sweat dripping down Konohamaru's face would be enough to fill a pool, and as Naruto brought his face dangerously close to his, while grinning and exceptionally evil and sadistic grin, Konohamaru did the unthinkable. It was so vile, so wrong, and even Naruto himself had to do a double-take on what he'd seen, and smelt.

For Konohamaru, proud grandson of the Third Hokage, had shit himself.

There was no escaping that fact, because the odour emitting from him was enough to send the villagers closest to him into a frenzy, running away and vomiting, all the while laughing at the incredibly messed up situation.

Naruto himself dropped Konohamaru to the floor in a fit of disgust.

"You didn't did you... Oh but you did..." Queue evil grin. "You shit yourself didn't you? A little scared of big bad Naruto Uzumaki?"

*Nod*

"Well you didn't think I'd let you go after you've interrupted my precious ramen time did you?"

*Shake of head*

"That's good, and smart, because you're not getting off that easy! You can't just shit yourself and think I'd leave it be! Who would I be if not my honour of ramen?"

*Rise of shoulders*

"You don't know? Well I'd be nobody! Just plain ol' Naruto Uzumaki! But with my honour of ramen I'm the toughest son of an incredibly attractive bitch roaming west of the Hokage tower! So come child... Let me show you the true meaning of..." If possible, the grin on his face grew even larger, almost looking painful.

"Pain... Mhmhmhmhm."

*Pitiful whimper*

**Abandoned warehouse**

"Welcome Konohamaru-kun... TO NARUTO'S RAMEN-PORIUM!"

*Blank stare*

"You don't get it? Think about Emporium... But the first phrase is replaced with ramen! How can you go wrong with that?"

*Rise of shoulders*

"You know you're being really unresponsive, why aren't you talki... Ohhhhh, one second."

*Quick removal of 'used' sock from mouth, followed by the sounds of disgusted spitting and heaving.*

"Oh you poor thing! Don't act like such a baby! I could've used worse things than a simple used sock! Come come over here! Look into this vat!" Grin still hasn't left his face.

Konohamaru looked sceptical, and greatly wished he could leave this place and change his pants; he could still feel his faeces moving around. He'd never live this moment down. But alas, the furious and intense look on Naruto's face was enough to get him moving, and what he saw both awed and disgusted him at the same time. In the vat there was multiple litres of all kinds of ramen, ranging from full-meat specials to the vegetarian special, slowly turned in circles as a mechanical mixer swirled the ingredients around.

Time froze as he was grabbed by the back of the head, and was pushed face first down near the ramen.

Naruto chortled.

"Mhmhmhm, I've wondered, what is it like to be drowned in a vat of ramen? Would you like to find out...? Hmmmm?"

Too scared to respond with words Konohamaru alerted him to how he felt about the situation.

*Rapid and panicked head shaking*

"Mhmhmhm, don't worry little boy!"

Naruto released his head and through him away from the vat, smirking as Konohamaru scrambled for the exit.

"I wouldn't waste that amount of perfectly good ramen on a little upstart like yourself!"

He seemed to mull the idea over in his head for a moment before staring longingly at the vat.

"No no no! It should be used on someone more appropriate! More deserving! More me!" He giggled as he stripped to nothing, and climbed a ladder above the ramen. He positioned himself on the end of a plank and started jumping up and down.

"A 1! And a 2! And an alli-up!" With catlike grace he dove headfirst into the vat, a crazed look appearing on his face moments before submerging inside the delectable broth.

"LET ME EAT YOU MY PRECIOUS! COME MY PRECIOUS! I WILL HMM-"

He was cut off as his head submerged in the watery broth. Bubbles surfaced from the broth, but no Naruto...

**2 hours later**

"Tell me what happened here Johnson..."

A detective was staring at a vat of pure ramen in a amazement, it was actually unfathomable to imagine the amount of time one person had to spend filling the vat up with individual cups of ramen. What's even more surprising is that the stuff's still fresh and ready to eat.

"Well sir the situation's that... Hold on! I think they've got something!"

Two more detective were standing on the side of the vat holding onto the end of a net. With a final heave they pulled up a funny looking object. The object was a completely naked Naruto Uzumaki, with a look of complete bliss forever etched onto his face.

The detective slowly walked up to the corpse and stared down at it, before turning to Johnson.

"Are you fucking kidding me? This guy drowned by swimming in there?"

"Yes sir, it appears as if he had been trying to consume the entire amount before his untimely demise."

The detective slowly removed his glasses while still looking at Johnson in shock.

"You mean this wasn't murder? He intentionally drowned in there trying to eat the entire amount? How much was in there? Something like 200 fucking litres of pure fucking ramen!"

Johnson sighed and turned to the corpse.

"I'm afraid so sir, he sure did decide an interesting way to die..."

The detective heaved one final sigh before turning on a dime and started to walk out of the building while slowly putting his glasses back on his face.

"Well then Johnson... I guess you could say that for all his plans... things didn't exactly go quite..."

*Glasses are placed on face as the detective leaves the building, and a random explosion occurs in the vat, spraying steaming ramen all around the village*

"Swimmingly..."

*YYEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH*


End file.
